I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
