There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
