Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
