My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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