got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
