remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
