Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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