Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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