3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
As shirtless as possible
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
