There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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