There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?