Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
