i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
