I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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