Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
