I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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