I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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