if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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