you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
