i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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