While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
