Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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