Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
only you would photoshop your dick
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
