Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
