HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When are your genitals available?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
