did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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