what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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