dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
