one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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