just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
