I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
