Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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