you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
