i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
