your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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