I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
