Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize