Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
