I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
