I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
