I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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