I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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