Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
