Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
