It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
we're so committed to being not committed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
