i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
