Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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