I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
