Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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