Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
