I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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