I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
