I wish my penis had an off switch
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
