Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
