funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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